CLICK HERE TO SEE WHY I'M DOING THIS

Dear Tim

Every time my train is delayed I’m going to edit your face.

Why?

Because you are the CEO of ‘First’ and therefore ultimately responsible for the train line ‘First Capital Connect.’ I want you to understand that little delays matter.

It’s an awful train line, Tim. It really is.

Don’t get me wrong, Tim there have been times I’ve seriously questioned myself over this. I’m aware that this is not normal behaviour. I have to hide my screen from other commuters while I’m doing ‘my work’.  Once I spent two hours making you a little suit made out of repeating patterns of your face. You have to ask yourself some serious questions when you find yourself doing a thing like that.

The thing is, Tim, it helps me get through the stress of the journey. Editing your face is very cathartic.

So, what’s my beef with First Capital Connect?

To start with, the trains are pretty rubbish. You have to admit. Old. Knackered. A bit smelly. There is NEVER a seat on the way home after work and sometimes there isn’t one on the way in. Have you ever stood up from London to Brighton, Tim?

I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe. Men in tears at Norwood Junction. Women fainting on the “dark stretch” between Horley and Croydon. I’ve seen vomit in Balcombe and smelt some of the finest B.O. in Sussex.

However, the thing I’m going to focus all my baffling attention on is the fact that every train is delayed. You may well have ruddy-faced analysts telling you that: “We’re actually running a service with 79% of trains running on time.” But take it from me. A man at the fried-chicken smelling coal-face. Almost every single train to and from work is delayed.

Yes, sometimes it is only by a few minutes. “What difference does a few minutes make?” I hear you gargling from your ergonomic swivel-chair. It’s actually a huge one. This is why:

I know my train will be delayed, so if I want to be at work on time I ALWAYS have to go for an earlier train than necessary.

That means less time with my family in the mornings. If I add all that up, it’s… Actually if I add all that up I start to get really cross.

Yep, I chose to move out of London and commute in so I shouldn’t complain about it. But it became hard to buy a family home in London unless you’re as rich as the CEO of a large transport company who increased their pay by 94% in 2013.

The frustrating thing is that you’ve got me over a barrel, Tim. I have to use your trains and I have to pay whatever you decide to charge me. You’ve got me over a great big barrel. My trousers are round my ankles and you’re not being very gentle with me. I don’t like it, Tim and I’m asking you to stop. Pull my trousers up, dust me down and shake my hand. I’m paying you over five grand a year to be sprawled over that barrel so it’s the least you can do.

If you’re wondering how to get me to stop meddling with your face, then the answer is simple. Stop my trains from being delayed. I don’t know how. That’s your job. No delays. No new uploads.

Best wishes

Oli

P.S. I am now making an effort to keep track of every delay in detail. I will post these under the pictures.  Hopefully this will help with your enquiries.